Eulogy for a Jackalope

02.10.26 // 2:57pm

I can’t sleep… so I suppose it’s time to write a blog post. It’s cold in my room, and my eyes burn from staring at screens all day. I was watching a video about the recent Marvel Rivals drama and decided everyone involved is a huge asshole. I’m stressed—about my health, the state of the country, my future… and the fact that, throughout all this uncertainty, I just blew a lot of money on a new VTuber model.

Yeah, I was a VTuber. Past tense feels weird to use… but it’s accurate. Since 2021, I’ve been streaming as my primary fursona, Cholla. I got into VTubers during the pandemic like everybody else did, and I got it in my head that I could do it, too. I had a lot of fun—it felt nice to be able to laugh and chat to myself and whoever happened to wander in. I talk to myself a lot anyway (that should be evident by my rambly blog posts), so a pivot to streaming felt natural. I liked the feeling of a small community where things I said were heard, and where people liked me. Me! I never feel like I’m the main character of anything. I just don’t have the charisma for it, you know? So to be in the spotlight… it really helped with my self esteem. I chalk my confidence in myself now, in large part, to listening to myself stream. Before I started streaming, I hated hearing myself talk—I would clamp my ears shut and try not to hear because I hated perceiving any aspect of myself. Streaming has done wonders for me.

Cholla prime... I have both a human and furry model. The human model was full of horrible drama, and without getting too much into it here because it’s a long story… I’m sorta glad to not be using it anymore.

I haven’t streamed in two years now. My mom got critically sick (though she’s better now, for the most part), and I didn’t have the time to be able to do it. But despite the fact that things have returned to normal, I haven’t been able to work myself up to trying it again. And there’s one big reason why: I don’t really vibe with Cholla anymore.

Cholla is me. She’s a hodgepodge of so many parts of my personality: she’s distinctly Arizonan, she’s an airhead, she’s fluffy and loud and stupid. I love all of that. I still resonate with all of that. The issue is that Cholla is so confidently, aggressively a part of myself that isn’t at the forefront of who I am anymore. She was me, not is me.

Cholla is a mangy, dirty, grimy little creature. She’s of unknowable gender, of species. She’s punk rock, loud mouthed. She’s stupid. I love it! I was so happy to have a sona that read as gender neutral—my sona before Cholla was also a desert-themed jackalope, but was distinctly more feminine, and I always felt weird when she was sexualized (as was the case whenever I commissioned someone to draw her, despite not asking for it). I liked how anti-sexual furry Cholla was, and in contrast, I liked how sexual human Cholla was. She was distinctly lesbian, distinctly queer. Punk. Dirty, bitey, mean.

My first fursona, Sonora. I paid 200 dollars for this and I hated it at the time and I hate it now. Artist refused to make her boobs any smaller.

I am not that person anymore. At least, I don’t want to be. I still consider myself punk rock… but I’ve sort of changed my mindset on that. Instead of being angry about stuff all the time, I want to be kind. I want to inspire people with positivity and whimsy and kindness. Cholla is dark, gritty. As Cholla, because of her grungey design and personality, I felt obligated to play grimdark games. Every time I played a cute game, nobody stuck around. I get it: the vibes didn’t match. She’s an ugly, brown, desaturated rabbit: nobody wants to see her play colorful games.

I am also not a lesbian. I identify as genderfluid. Yet, despite this… I also feel like Cholla is not feminine enough. “Feminine” feels like the wrong word—“colorful” would be better, I suppose. The point is: Cholla has short hair, a round face, punk boots and bomber jacket. She’s a tomboy. Feminine, sure, but distinctly masculine.

It’s weird for me to say, but I don’t find that acting or dressing masculinely to be particularly counter-cultural. It’s an insane take, I know, dreamed up only as it could be by someone fifteen layers deep in made up gender politics. I am AFAB, and I recognize that people naturally expect me to dress femininely. Yet, I never really have before—I’ve always been a tomboy, because I’ve always been ugly and fat and short and brown, and because someone like that could never be cute. So now, dressing femininely feels like taking back something society said I couldn’t have. And yes, while I dress femininely, it’s hyper fem. It’s obnoxious, it’s extra. It’s almost like a performance of feminity—oh god, is decora drag? No, no, I can’t get on that topic, this is already rambly enough as it is.

What was I saying? I perform as hyper-fem as a direct contrast to my more masculine, grunge persona I put on in the past. This is not to say that men and mascs cannot be kind or gentle, and I recognize it’s problematic to associate them with aggression. I don’t, really—I just associate my masculinity with aggression. I was angry at the world, and in order to fight back, I felt the need to present myself in a way people would have to respect: as masculine… or, perhaps more accurately, as “androgynous” and lacking any sort of gender performance—which just winds up reading as masculine, because masculinity is the default. Femininity is in itself counter cultural: it is not the norm, and it’s subjugated, ridiculed. These days, I feel that my version of “punk rock” isn’t combat boots and fishnets: it’s vibrant eyeshadow and frilly dresses and painted nails. It’s embracing feminity—embracing what men in power would call unprofessional, sissy, or ridiculous—and using it as a weapon of kindness.

Yeah okay I admit it Superman deeply affected my psyche. It was a good movie okay

Counterintuitively, I associate my colorful decora aesthetic with genderfluidness. It’s so aggressively bright that it doesn’t really have a gender. Its gender, I guess, would be “girl” or “boy” rather than “woman” or “man”. It evokes a feeling of childish whimsy—whimsy that society says you, as an adult, are not allowed to have, because you are expected to be bludgeoned with the hammer of capitalism until you conform to sanitized corporate culture like the good little nail you were born to be. Dressing and performing as something colorful and kind is a direct “fuck you” to corporate monochromes, to beige parenthood. It says: “I refuse to lose my whimsy, despite your best efforts. I will not let you win.”

Emo, punk, and goth culture have operated on much the same sentiment for years, and I love that for them. I own a lot of dark clothes, listen to emo music, and preach the same messages that they do. On occasion, I still wear combat boots and fishnets, just like Cholla. But when I do, I feel like I’m… well, a poser, I guess? I feel like I’m playing a character and acting like someone I’m not—it’s the same sickly, back-of-the-head numbness I felt when I identified as a lesbian or cis. It’s not who I am. Being colorful, aggressively colorful—that’s who I am. That’s who I want people to see me as.

So, that left me at a crossroads. I wanted to stream again, but I couldn’t feel comfortable streaming as Cholla. Not only did I find streaming a fun hobby, I also see the horrible negativity in the VTuber community right now—with swarming cesspools of chuds and grifters—and want to change it. I want to establish myself as a friendly, fun, silly, loud, bombastic, weird little guy. I want to stand in direct opposition to people donning the masks of colorful, cheerful anime girls while acting like the scum of the fucking earth. I want to be… Beau!

AAAAAAAA

Beau inspired me to make this entire website. Throughout writing this blog, I’ve created a mini site devoted to him and VTubing, though it’s not quite done yet. The model’s art was also finished, and I think it looks amazing! I can’t say for certain if I made the right choice… but I know that I feel good about it. More than that, I’m excited about being able to stream again and bring this colorful persona to life! I want to inspire others and form connections with people who feel the same way about kindness and life as I do. Here’s to a bright future!

…Happy Almost Valentine’s Day, and Happy 10th Blog Post! Short one this time around. I’m going to be traveling to Cincinnati later in the month, so I needed to get my blog for February done early. Maybe I’ll write a blog about my trip, though I expect it’ll be pretty lowkey. I have fun adventures planned for April and May, so I’ll for sure blog about those!